Motherhood has been a journey- one that I am still definitely on the highway of. It has been one that I could have never been prepared for even if someone had given me the map before it began. It feels at times like I am in a school zone, and the days go by slow and with caution. But regrettably most of the journey has been at top speed, and moments have flashed by as I try hard to grab hold of the memories slipping from my grasp.
I remember being pregnant with my babies, and dreaming of holding each one in my arms. The moment became indescribable – almost an out of body experience- that was so beautiful it stole my breath away. I miss those 4 moments when each one of my own had been given the miraculous breath of first air that was gifted to them by their Maker. They were given life. Not by myself or my husband, but by a Creator that knit each one together unique, in my womb. I will never again hold my own newborn in my arms or nurse one at my breast. Another sweet experience that only a mother can know. The countless diaper changes, nightly feedings, and exhaustion was worth all of the snuggles, the “firsts”, and the boundless leaps my heart did as I fell in love with each one of them. The Lord is very wise to give us our children wrapped in the package of a beautiful baby. He knows we cannot help but fall in love with them at first sight!
The next season entered into was the years of “No’s!”, the continued firsts, and the testing and trying of the wills! This was a challenging one at times as each one of them became able to move about on their own, feed themselves, and begin to experience the amazing world around them. I felt myself seeing the world for the first time again, as they asked the endless question of “What’s that?” I taught them the words to each object, and answered the “Why’s” as I explained the beginnings of how their new world fit together. The awe of watching them learn and absorb it all far outweighed the frustrations and challenges of their fights for control.
Perhaps the longest season I have been in, is the one I am in now- as they are all in the school years, and soaking up endless knowledge each day. I am amazed at how much their little brains can learn, and it is a joy to watch them defeat many new tasks and challenges. The things they are learning now will be those that will help them navigate through life and are preparing them to be on their own one day. They are also learning how to be a friend, and how to work through the disappointments and heartache that come along with human relationships at times. It is heartbreaking as they are out in the world and away from my watch, and they have each experienced the sting of the world’s cruelty in one way or another. It is during this time that I have learned to pray fervently for their Father’s protection, and trust that when I am not with them- He is.
I was stung with the thought recently that my children are growing up, and it seems little by little I am not needed as much by them. I was good at the years of caring for them, teaching them, and even navigating the busyness of the important schedules that I tried to keep them on. I looked forward to helping them with homework when they came home from school- which just recently even my youngest seems to be doing pretty well on his own. As they continue to grow more independent, they are becoming less dependent on me. This is a hard transition to swallow for this mama bear! I guess when I dreamed of Motherhood, I never realized that the goal of it all is to raise our children to be able to spread their wings and fly one day.
My deepest desire on the other side of this journey, is for each of my children to love the Lord with all of their heart, soul, and mind. I know He has a plan for them, and I am learning to let go of the reigns as I entrust them to Him each step of the way. They are ultimately His, and it is an utter blessing to be called their Mom. As I have become less needed by them physically, I am more and more needed by them spiritually. In this difficult world we live in, it is essential that they have deep underlying morals and values. I see that almost daily I have the opportunity to answer questions from the eyes of Jesus, and away from the ways of the world. I am teaching them like this not to be constricting or judgmental, but because God’s way is Always what’s best for them. My prayer is for the Lord to be so embedded in their hearts that they never lose sight of Whose they are!
I am forever grateful for my own Christian upbringing. My Mom is an amazing Godly woman who I remember praying with us as kids, raising us up in Church, and to this day being an example of Jesus’ love and selflessness. Thank you Mom for teaching me how to be a mom to my own precious kids!!
With Love- April
Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.